i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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