my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
