im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
