Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
