i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
