I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize