i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
