im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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