It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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