i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
