Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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