HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
