between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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