May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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