My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
