i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Randomize
