I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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