so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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