After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
