Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
