I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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