I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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