I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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