a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I got her a Nickelback box set.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
