who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
