I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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