Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
