i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I touched a dick in church today
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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