I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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