everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
