I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
