I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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