I could have mohawked her pubes.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
