life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
