walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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