I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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