Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
