Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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