I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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