So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize