I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
