Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We have so much sex to catch up on
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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