Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
