i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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