Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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