Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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