I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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