Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
