Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
