the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
