I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
