Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
