You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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